It got worse later in the day when I was reading an article about California Governor Schwarzenegger’s attempts to find the state ways to save money. The Governor was quoted as saying, “We literally have to take the ladder from the tree and shake the whole tree.” My response: “Really, you’re going to literally shake a tree?” Wouldn’t a normal person have wondered how we could balance the books without impacting the needy? Is it really necessary to put Arnold back in the 8th grade for a lesson on the difference between metaphorical and literal?

Here’s the horror of it: “Yes,” I think, “he should be taught the difference.” No kidding, a little creature within me believes someone should advise Arnold about his violations of figurative speech. “That settles it!” you say, “English teachers are like cops who give you a ticket for being the third car in the intersection to turn left while five people just ran a red light with impunity. They’re like robots turned loose on society to keep anyone from saying, ‘She went to the mall with my friend and I.’”

But I protest back that it’s a quality-of-life issue. There are few things more grating on the ears than “I” used as an object. It’s right up there with leaf-blowers. Really, English teachers should be protected from the effects of thoughtless speech. Perhaps disability coverage could be extended to include stress caused by extended exposure to bad usage. Who knows what damage has been done to my nerves over the years I’ve endured “I could care less,” knowing that the speaker means the opposite, that he or she could in fact NOT care less. Or the sleepless nights I suffered knowing that the use of “like” as a replacement for “said” and “all” as a replacement for “emphatically,” as in, “She’s all like ‘I’m not going,’ and I’m all like ‘Yes you are!’” had crept up from the rebellious realms of teenage girl-speak to the very boardrooms and press conferences of the nation! How fruitless were my years spent exhorting America’s youth to communicate clearly and logically! I need the state to cover the skyrocketing prescription costs of sedatives to help me face the demons that mock me in the night. Yes, they mock me, calling out, “Mr. Lasken, behold, if ‘like’ is now synonymous with ‘said,’ and everyone understands it, then your mandate that speech be meaningful has been obeyed! You protest for naught.” And it does not end there. These studious demons torment me with knowledge. “Consider,” they cajole, “that ‘good-bye’ used to be ‘God be with you,’ and you, would-be defender of the faith, would have done your darnedest to have halted that natural progression. See and be doomed! Ha-haaaaaa!”

Silence, demons! I’ll hear no more! Don’t you see? It’s continuity I crave, not obstruction. U can change the language all u want, as long as ur aware what’s behind ur usage. Is that 2 much 2 ask?

Please excuse me; sometimes I get a bit nonplussed. Of course I’m using “nonplussed” in the original sense of “surprised and confused,” not the American corruption that substituted the opposite meaning. Yes, thank you, I feel much better now.

Doug Lasken is a retired Los Angeles Unified teacher, freelancer and UCLA Writing Project Fellow who currently consults for The Fordham Institute on the Common Core national English standards. Write to him at doug.lasken@gmail.com

As the difference between Republicans and Democrats intensifies, as their arguments become shriller, as the national deficit approaches critical mass, it’s obvious we’ve reached the point where conservatives and liberals simply can’t live together. We bicker endlessly over taxation, government control, school prayer, and the Second Amendment. We don’t even speak the same language these days. For instance:

Liberal: The land belongs to the people, man. It’s social justice that allows us to walk freely upon the earth.

Conservative: Get off my lawn, damnit!

However, rather than partition America and try to divide its property evenly, there is one way we could still coexist. That is, create separate national corporate entities and activities apart from each other which would meet the wants and needs of each group. We would have separate sales buildings and work and play areas all well-lit and properly demarcated so that no one would accidentally enter and be offended by what he or she saw. Here’s what we would find in a new America:

Liberal Motors: products: Toyota Prius, Honda Civic, Chevy Aveo, Mini Cooper, skateboards, roller skates, pogo sticks

Conservative Motors: products: Cadillac Escalade, Chevy Tahoe, Ford Explorer, Sherman tank, air craft carrier

McObama’s: products: horchata, tofu, soybean curd, hummus (remember, hummus IS people)

McDonald’s: products: Pepsi, fries, Big Macs, bigger Macs, heart attack Macs

Liberal Heating Corporation: products: solar energy, wind power, bicycle generators, wool blankets

Conservative Heating Corporation: products: gas, oil, nuclear energy, coal, ski jackets

Liberal News Media: products: Air America, New York Times, AnyBS TV news

Conservative News Media: products: Rush Limbaugh EIB network, Wall Street Journal, Fox TV

Liberal Law Enforcement: products: Eric Holder, PeeWee Herman, ACLU

Conservative Law Enforcement: products: Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Dick Tracy, Judge Judy

Liberal Shoe Store: products: Birkenstock, Rockport, Timberland, Ugg, Nike, Reebok

Conservative Shoe Store: products: whatever’s on sale

Liberal National Security: products: Peace Corps

Conservative National Security: products: Navy Seals, Army Rangers, Marine Corps

Liberal Health Care Provider: products: witch doctors, over-the-counter medicine, obituaries

Conservative Health Care Provider: products: Mayo Clinic, prescription medicines, tanning salons

Liberal Sports Activities: products: squash, croquet, soccer, planting trees, crocheting, running away from fights

Conservative Sports Activities: products: baseball, football, boxing, hunting, fishing, beating up liberals

As you can see, the nation could be preserved well past the next election if we all decided to agree to disagree and hang out in places where we could rub elbows with the people we honestly respect. So let’s give unity a chance before it’s too late.

Oh, and stay off my lawn.

Recently, I happened to be in need of a spare propane tank for my outdoor barbecue grill.  Someone suggested to me that I could pick up one cheaply at Walmart.  So the other day I went in and found a shiny new 15 lb. tank on the shelf for $35 (which I didn’t think was particularly cheap, but that’s not the point of this article).

Then I checked out the prices for propane.  It said $17.42 to exchange my empty tank for a new one, or $43.92 to fill my empty tank.  I couldn’t find anyone nearby to help me get it filled, and I was in a hurry, so I put it in my cart, wheeled toward the register, paid for the empty tank, and left.

Today, I went back to get it filled, and in talking to a Walmart employee I learned that the $43.92 actually included the cost of the tank, and in fact they will not fill an empty tank I bring in.

So if I exchanged my brand new, empty, tank for a full, used one it would cost me another $17.42 for a total cost of $52.42, which is $8.50 more than if I just buy a full tank out of their stock.  So I decided to do that, and simply get a refund for my new, unused tank.

So I stashed the full tank in my car, retrieved the new one that had been rolling around in my trunk for the past couple of days, and headed back to the store.  As I approached the store, tank and receipt in hand, I noticed signs on the front door stating “No propane tanks inside store! — Federal Law“.  Well common sense, of course, dictates that since my tank had never been used and has no propane inside, the sign does not apply to my case.  Besides, there are several more such empty propane tanks, identical to the one I was holding, sitting on the shelf inside the store.  In the back of my mind it registered that common sense rarely applies to Walmart employees or Federal law, but I was determined to get my refund.

So I walked in and stood in line at the Customer Service desk.  Immediately, no fewer than three Walmart employees, one of whom was wearing a neon-orange vest, were walking toward me at a high rate of speed, shouting at me that I cannot have the propane tank inside the store, that I need to take it outside immediately.   Despite the fact that the tank I was holding still had the paper covering and the plastic seal on the top, it is understandable that they didn’t know that my tank was unused and empty.  So I followed one lady outside where I proceeded to explain to her that my tank had never been used, contains no propane, and I just wanted to get a refund; therefore, the intent of the sign obviously did not apply to this case.  She continually pointed at the sign on the door, robotically.  I calmly tried to explain that there are at least two more such tanks sitting on the shelf inside the store, so they’re violating their own rules (or the Federal statute, if indeed there is one–I couldn’t find one in my cursory Google searches).  That thoroughly confused her, and she replied tersely, “Yeah, well, I don’t want to get into all that”.

Clearly Walmart doesn’t pay its employees enough to think.

In the end, I had to stand outside (in the rain, no less) to wait for someone to return with my money.

Every trip to Walmart is a fun one!

Madison (WKOW) — 13 year old Jack Theisen had to make a quick decision when two would-be robbers were in the process of coming through an unlocked, basement door, and Theisen was home alone.

Theisen grabbed his Red Ryder model BB gun and shot the first invader in the shoulder, scaring off both men.

“He’s resilient,”  Jack Theisen’s father, Mike Theisen told 27 News.

Mike Theisen said his son, an eighth grade student at St. James Catholic School, has taken a hunter safety course and is proficient and safe with guns.

Theisen said his son spotted the two men as they cased the front of the house on Sherman Avenue, perhaps believing the house was empty since most of the lights were out around 8 p.m. Oct. 9.   Theisen said Jack Theisen then watched the men make their way to the home’s side entrance.

While the Political Correct agenda would be to counsel the boy to never point a gun at someone and to “run away” from all threats, I commend this young man for using his wits (along with his toy gun) to protect his home.  As beautifully explained in A Nation of Cowards by Jeffrey R. Snyder, to protect one’s property and family is to protect one’s dignity:

Crime is not only a complete disavowal of the social contract, but also a commandeering of the victim’s person and liberty. If the individual’s dignity lies in the fact that he is a moral agent engaging in actions of his own will, in free exchange with others, then crime always violates the victim’s dignity. It is, in fact, an act of enslavement. Your wallet, your purse, or your car may not be worth your life, but your dignity is; and if it is not worth fighting for, it can hardly be said to exist.

Personally, I would be proud to have a son like Jack.

Read the whole story …

Some people crack open the Sunday paper and immediately turn to the comics section to seek laughter. With bailouts piling up, the demise of capitalism, and widespread panic and fear of what tomorrow will bring, sometimes it is just nice to escape a bit and laugh or marvel at the world.

With that in mind here are some odd news stories that struck us as interesting, disgusting, or just plain funny.

• INTERESTING->One Man fills out 72 voter registration forms: CLEVELAND - A man at the center of a voter-registration scandal told The Post yesterday he was given cash and cigarettes by aggressive ACORN activists in exchange for registering an astonishing 72 times, in apparent violation of Ohio laws.
• DISGUSTING->National Debt Clock adds a digit to accommodate growing deficit: NEW YORK — In these uncertain financial times, one thing remains certain — the ever-expanding national debt. But it’s growing at such an accelerated rate, the clock that has kept track of the deficit since 1989 has had to add a digit.
• FUNNY->Man Accuses Doctor of Stapling Buttocks Closed: Maryland - Arguments began Monday in a federal lawsuit alleging that a Maryland doctor stapled a man’s rectum shut during an operation, rendering him unable to move his bowels for 17 days, the Baltimore Examiner reported.
• FUNNY->Woman kept prisoner by her own husband for 50 years: Italy - A woman in Italy was kept a prisoner in her own home by her husband for 50 years, police have revealed. The wife was only allowed out of the house when accompanied by him, and was not allowed to speak with anyone else.
• DISGUSTING (not because I’m against gays, but because this is just more “groupism”)->Special High School for gays, lesbians, and transgendered: Chicago - The head of Chicago’s school system has proposed the creation of a ‘gay-friendly’ high school to counter the high bullying, depression and drop-out rates among homosexual pupils.

That’s all for this week. Now back to our normally scheduled programming.