Editor’s Note: Sometimes it’s good to listen to the other side with an open mind because perhaps they know better. This article about Ron Paul was sent to us by our neo-conservative friend, Richard Deekbag, founder of the following website (we apologize for the length of the URL):

http://ohmygodronpaulwilleatallofourbabiesandourbabiesbabiesandtheirbabiesbabiesuntiltherearenobabiesleft.com/

I mean just look at the guy. Ron Paul is all skinny, old, and wrinkly. His speeches are rambling diatribes supporting the long debunked conspiracy theory known as the U.S. Constitution. Everyone knows the Constitution expired more than 100 years ago and has no place in our Conservative-Progressive-Democratic-Socialist-Liberal-Republican (ConProDemSocLibRep) society.

After all it was Ru Paul’s isolationist ideas that lead America into its darkest period following the Revolutionary War after his idiotic idols, the Founding Fathers, defeated the British occupiers. Well, they were more like friendly visitors than occupiers. Visitors that honored the American colonies by taxing them heavily and treating them like peasants.

Everyone knows by now that Ron Paul’s efforts to abolish the massively successful Federal Reserve bank is kookier than cookies. The Fed has been our savior over and over and over and over and over again over the years.  If it weren’t for the Fed the so-called “Great Depression” would have been much shorter. That’s a gigantic problem because we needed it to last much longer just to prove that government regulation is the lifeblood of the economy!

Ron Paul’s foreign policy ideas are moonbat crazy. His ideas violate the golden rule. You know, the whole “do unto others as you would have them do unto you thing”? We would be far less safe if we hadn’t flexed our military muscle in the Middle East. They only respect force and they’ve been cowering in fear of us for the last 10 years. Hopefully we’ll be able to show them who’s boss for at least 100 more years.

Ben Bernanke was overheard saying: “You can’t put a price tag on keeping America safe. Do you know where I can get discounted printer ink? After all we need to save money where we can in these trying times!”, according to a source who didn’t want to be named as a source and who spoke to me through telepathy.

It was so stupid that Ron Paul won the CPAC straw poll. It was obviously rigged by his Campaign For Liberty organization and they were all young people anyway. Everyone knows the future of the GOP will come from the old people! At least the results of the poll were booed loudly which just proves that I’m right.

Not to mention Paul is an anti-semite because he wants to cut off foreign aid to all countries and the last time we checked, Israel was a country. It couldn’t possibly defend itself with a stockpile of only 400 or so nuclear bombs. They need our help!

He’s also an obvious racist because he has a long history of hate speech following the publication of some newsletters written by someone else 25 years ago. His racism is so rampant that one could pull just about any speech of his in his decades in Congress and find the bigotry. In fact here’s one called “Government and Racism“.

It’s so easy to imagine a Klan hood over his head whenever he’s on TV espousing the virtues of some of his lilly-white heroes like Dr. Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks.

Get this through your think skulls people, Ron Paul has no chance at being the next President of the United States. He shouldn’t run because all he will do is screw up the chances for the anointed Republican nominee, who won’t be a crazy, kooky, old, skinny, wrinkly, anti-semitic, racist, isolationist with a fetish for the supreme law of the land.

Don’t you understand, we hate Barack Obama more than we love the Constitution!

The last thing America needs is a candidate that adheres so rigidly to his principles and is logically consistent in both domestic and foreign policy.

And don’t get me started on his supporters.

But the more Mr. Obama talks about his plans, the worse it gets for him. The problem is that he hasn’t presented it properly. As an aid to Democrats everywhere, these are the positions they should be pushing to make this dream reality:

1) Socialized Medicine is free. I don’t know how they do it, but, by golly, nobody has to pay for it. Now if they could do something about the rising cost of cigarettes, gas, sodas, and my tanning bed treatments.

2) Socialized Medicine protects medical professionals and hospitals from extraordinary lawsuits. Right now Republicans and many physicians are  pointing out that to control medical costs, tort reform needs to be initiated to rein in the runaway costs of medical malpractice lawsuits. With Socialized Medicine there would be no need for this legislation. As the government would run the health care system how would anyone be able to sue Uncle Sam? Especially if he wasn’t in the mood to be sued. Socialized Medicine means never having to say “Oops!”.

3) Socialized Medicine covers all diseases. Time and again we see insurance companies denying care for unusual diseases or treatments. Now everything will be covered up to and including euphoria, apoplexy, and miner’s squint. And you won’t have to pay for those pills and medical devices you saw advertised on late-night TV.

4) Socialized Medicine means you will be able visiting many foreign countries. Recently Danny Williams, the Newfoundland/Labrador Premier, came to the United States to get immediate treatment for a heart condition rather than wait for treatment in Canada. As we will not be allowed to visit the United States many of us may sample the medical care in India, Mexico, Argentina, and Mongolia for quick treatment of deteriorating ailments. As many of you may say, ole!

5) Socialized Medicine will give you time to think it over. Haven’t you ever done things on the spur of the moment which you ended up regretting when you sobered up? Things like getting a tattoo, buying a Hummer, or signing up for a lifetime subscription to “Boys’ Life”. Since it will take months, perhaps  years, to see a doctor or schedule a treatment, you will have plenty of time to ponder whether you really want that gallbladder surgery, that liver transplant, that hernia operation, or that brain tumor removed. No longer will we see people who rued the day they had their gallstones taken out.

6) Socialized Medicine means more jobs for the unemployed. While real doctors may become disillusioned and leave the medical profession, this only opens the door for medical school dropouts, incompetent phlebotomists, clumsy surgeons, mediocre radiologists, unskilled nurses, alcoholic anesthesiologists, and backyard mechanics to fulfill their dream of a career in medicine. No medical degree, no problem!

7) Socialized Medicine offers incentives to stay healthy. Since the average patient may be called upon to visit a doctor as described in Reason No. 6, there will be a good reason to pay attention to one’s shape. I’d start jogging right now if I were you.

8. Socialized Medicine will improve the gene pool. Death panels, natural selection, bad luck, call it what you will but the waits and overall medical incompetence associated with Socialized Medicine will mean you will die sooner, rather than later, of your genetic ailment, thus the better off mankind will be if you don’t get a chance to procreate. Future Americans will never again see people afflicted with prickly heat, vertigo, or political idiocy.

9) Socialized Medicine will give the government something to do. Rather than raise hell with the public through IRS audits, unending bureaucratic regulation, or random airport strip searches, the government will find its hands full, day and night, creating paperwork, scheduling payments, and coming up with excuses for why no one answers the medical clinic phone at 2:00 in the afternoon.

10) Socialized Medicine will come in color or black and white. No. just yanking your Obama nose ring. Actually, it won’t but I couldn’t come up with any other reason you would want Socialized Medicine.

So to Mr. Obama and the Democrat Party, instead of using the nuclear option of reconciliation or writing up an executive order, the best way to get Americans to go along with Socialized Medicine is to tell them why they need it.

And you could also tell them it’s available, for a limited time, in tan.

For you see, rather than cutting spending, our legislature is going to increase taxes. One of the proposed taxes that was within inches of becoming law here in hispanic New Mexico, was a tax on hispanic foods like white flour tortillas, hard taco shells, salsa, and red chili pods. This would have been like putting a snow tax on Eskimos or a hurricane tax on Floridians. Of course if they’d held their ground they would have gotten away with it because they know that all we ever do in New Mexico is grumble for a couple of weeks and then return to our brainless, happy-go-lucky selves.

But if Barack Obama is as smart as everyone claims he is, he will sit up and pay attention to what our politicians almost did here which he can use to solve his own trillion dollar deficits. If Democrats could try to tax ethnic food in New Mexico, imagine what they could do nationwide. Plus, if successful, the dietary dragon lady Michelle Obama would no longer be able to castigate us over our heft.

But where would he start taxing? Well, why not with the President’s own racial group – blacks. And for this, we can thank Questlove, Jimmy Fallon’s ‘Late Night’ show bandleader, who posted a picture on Twitter of  the NBC Universal commissary menu which was created in honor of Black History Month: fried chicken, collard greens, black-eyed peas, and cornbread. A six percent surtax right off the plate.

Who’s next? Wow, America has a diverse population and the ethnic buffet is mouth-watering to a Democrat politician in need of spending money. Those of Germanic background would have their sauerkraut and bratwurst taxed. Louisiana Cajuns would see the cost of blackened catfish and gumbo rising, and the Irish might notice a mild price increase on green beer and corned beef-and-cabbage though the latter would be reduced slightly to take into account electric wind generation. (Oh, and a new St. Patrick’s motto: Tax me, I’m Irish!)

Greeks would be expected to plunk down more for gyros and souvlaki, Native Americans on frybread and mutton stew, and French-Americans would pay more for, uh, whatever it is they eat. And I don’t think there’s a Swedish-American amongst us who wouldn’t cringe at forking over more hard-earned dollars for gravlax.

The Jewish people in America have long supported the Democrat Party and surely wouldn’t complain when their gefilte fish and matzo balls come with an extra charge. The same for Latinos where you wouldn’t hear a peep out of them over costlier tamales, chimichangas, and refried beans.

Italians also would be asked to participate in national budget balancing with revenue enhancements on pizza and linguine. (As the late Chico Marx might have said, “Thatsa spicy tax!”). The Poles living in Chicago could feel a dollar or two pinch on their kielbasa at football games and while this might rob them of their appetites, their attention would soon wander off to the on-field exploits of Da Bears. The Japanese would see their cash swimming away on higher priced sushi, Indians would look wistfully at Tandoori priced just out of their wallet’s reach, and will we ever see a Chinese fortune cookie on our plate again?

Nevertheless, tough times call for tough action and if we follow the progressive thinking of the New Mexico state legislature and their delicious food tax, our country stands a good chance at economic recovery.

So Mr. Obama, dust off that deli counter cash register. Maybe, just maybe, we Americans will be able to eat our way back to prosperity.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgd9ZbRLFJw

(Thanks to Minnesota Chris)

The late 1960s through the early 1970s was the heyday of the muscle car in America. With names like Pontiac GTO, Plymouth Road Runner, and Ford Thunderbolt 427, these cars seethed power and performance and hedonistically guzzled gas as they wolfed down the asphalt flying down the road.

Alas, these days the automobile engineer will be more concerned with trying to fit bucket seats onto a lawn mower chassis than giving the public cars that scare the average deaf pedestrian. They can’t actually build a muscle car anymore due to high gas prices, crushing environmental restrictions, and, more importantly, liberal disapproval. But, while engineers may be realists, at heart they are dreamers. They cringe at the thought of entering a Toyota Prius into a NASCAR race. They aspire to the glory days of American motoring.

But how to turn their hopes into reality? You’d think it would be difficult but in reality it’s quite easy to bring back the age of the muscle car. Here’s how you’d do it:

LETTERS and NUMBERS – muscle cars always came with impressive letters that showed off their pedigree and numbers which alluded to their engine displacement. Pontiac GTO; AMC AMX; Plymouth GTX 440; Chevrolet Chevelle SS396; Oldsmobile Cutlass 442; Ford Galaxie 500. So add some. And be advised that ‘X’ is the letter that makes everything go faster. For example: Ford Neon RTX 660; Honda Civic XMP; Nissan Sentra 111XBLC 500. Of course, nix the Mazda 2010 XXX, that’s something else entirely.

NAME – muscle cars advertised their muscleness with exciting names that intimated their velocity like Dodge Charger; Plymouth Duster; and Buick Skylark Gran Sport. Upgrade to vavoom today with these names that reek of speeding tickets: Honda Cheetah; Chevrolet Shark; Plymouth Booster; Ford Fastball, Kia ThunderHog. And along those same lines, it wouldn’t hurt to associate your car model with any of today’s celebrity bad boys. Who wouldn’t want to get their hands on a Honda Kanye West 300X; a Mazda Bobby Brown GT; or even a Ford Eminem 500?

STRIPES – nothing makes a car look like it’s zooming along a side street than a well-placed racing stripe. Paint a red line on the body of a Toyota Camry and people will be scrambling to get out of your way. And for more effects, you can add falling stars, streaking comets, and the time-honored flames shooting from front to back of the car. Whoosh!

TROMPE L’OEIL – trompe l’oeil is French for ‘deceive the eye’ and is a style of painting that gives the illusion of reality. With this technique you get cobras and rattlesnakes ready to bite, flags that look like they’ve been draped across the hood, and bare-breasted vamps so lifelike you’d like to take them out for a cocktail. A well-trained trompe l’oeil artist, air brush in hand, can make a Mini Cooper look two feet longer and one foot taller. And lest you wonder if it works, just look at Paris Hilton. Scrape off the Revlon and you have Maxine Vongruff, a Madison, Wisconsin retired schoolteacher and grandmother. If it can work for Paris, surely it will work for the Chevy Aveo, Toyota Corolla, Ford Focus, and those little tiny Smart Cars that look like photo booths on wheels.

SOUND – you used to be able to add a Cherry Bomb muffler to a muscle car and you’d be bringing worms to the surface in no time. But let’s face it, even without a muffler, there’s nothing about a four-cylinder engine that’s ever going to sound powerful and dangerous. No, for this, we need the help of weatherproof speakers and computer chips. Computers control everything from heating and cooling systems to lights and it would be a snap to design a system that responds to engine RPM with rumbling, growling, purring noises. And if you gunned the engine at a stoplight, that Prius would be like the little mouse that roared.

FINS – the 1950s were the age of space and to this end, many motor companies added fins to their products to give the illusion of flight and cash in on mankind’s longtime quest to get off planet earth. While not an accouterment technically from the muscle car era, fins add the kind of visual excitement you get whenever someone aims a taser at you. Nothing says, “Gimme me a speeding ticket!” quite like a large pair of fins.

So there you have it. A modest proposal to bolster the ego of the driving public beaten down by years of motoring in embarrassing, poorly-powered vehicles. With a little help from imaginative car builders we can look to our automotive past as we drive on in glory with those immortal words of a 60s dragster on our lips: “That’s bitchin’, man!”

As the difference between Republicans and Democrats intensifies, as their arguments become shriller, as the national deficit approaches critical mass, it’s obvious we’ve reached the point where conservatives and liberals simply can’t live together. We bicker endlessly over taxation, government control, school prayer, and the Second Amendment. We don’t even speak the same language these days. For instance:

Liberal: The land belongs to the people, man. It’s social justice that allows us to walk freely upon the earth.

Conservative: Get off my lawn, damnit!

However, rather than partition America and try to divide its property evenly, there is one way we could still coexist. That is, create separate national corporate entities and activities apart from each other which would meet the wants and needs of each group. We would have separate sales buildings and work and play areas all well-lit and properly demarcated so that no one would accidentally enter and be offended by what he or she saw. Here’s what we would find in a new America:

Liberal Motors: products: Toyota Prius, Honda Civic, Chevy Aveo, Mini Cooper, skateboards, roller skates, pogo sticks

Conservative Motors: products: Cadillac Escalade, Chevy Tahoe, Ford Explorer, Sherman tank, air craft carrier

McObama’s: products: horchata, tofu, soybean curd, hummus (remember, hummus IS people)

McDonald’s: products: Pepsi, fries, Big Macs, bigger Macs, heart attack Macs

Liberal Heating Corporation: products: solar energy, wind power, bicycle generators, wool blankets

Conservative Heating Corporation: products: gas, oil, nuclear energy, coal, ski jackets

Liberal News Media: products: Air America, New York Times, AnyBS TV news

Conservative News Media: products: Rush Limbaugh EIB network, Wall Street Journal, Fox TV

Liberal Law Enforcement: products: Eric Holder, PeeWee Herman, ACLU

Conservative Law Enforcement: products: Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Dick Tracy, Judge Judy

Liberal Shoe Store: products: Birkenstock, Rockport, Timberland, Ugg, Nike, Reebok

Conservative Shoe Store: products: whatever’s on sale

Liberal National Security: products: Peace Corps

Conservative National Security: products: Navy Seals, Army Rangers, Marine Corps

Liberal Health Care Provider: products: witch doctors, over-the-counter medicine, obituaries

Conservative Health Care Provider: products: Mayo Clinic, prescription medicines, tanning salons

Liberal Sports Activities: products: squash, croquet, soccer, planting trees, crocheting, running away from fights

Conservative Sports Activities: products: baseball, football, boxing, hunting, fishing, beating up liberals

As you can see, the nation could be preserved well past the next election if we all decided to agree to disagree and hang out in places where we could rub elbows with the people we honestly respect. So let’s give unity a chance before it’s too late.

Oh, and stay off my lawn.

In November 2009, computer hackers broke into the computer of the Climate Research Unit in England revealing the shady behavior of climate scientists there, some of whom have been literally making up data to support the climate change/global warming hysteria that is gripping the planet these days.

Well, the hackers have done it again.

They have now hacked into the computer network of the Institute for Cold and Hot Study in Burbank, California. Currently circulating around the Internet are the following smoking gun round robin e-mail exchanges between lead scientist Dr. Emmanuel Bogstock and his climate scientist underlings Daniel Dankel of Morbo University, Aspiro Mafioso of the Swedish Weather and Personality Clinic, and Jorge Redenko of Smogstack, L.L.C. in Upper Volta which reveal how sinister the global climate conspiracy really is:

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Change
How do we get the ball rolling on this climate thing? My university underwriters want to see me working harder on this.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Change
Get that U2 guy, Bono, to write a song about it. Then DiCaprio will bring his Hollywood people in on it. And Gore will string it all together when he talks about it at a conference somewhere. That should get them off your back.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bono
Bono’s turning sceptic. His tour bus got stuck in a snow bank in Fargo, South Dakota a few days ago. I hear he’s starting to have his doubts.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bono
He bought the one that solar flares cause heat rash.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bono
Tell Bono snow is a by-product of global warming because the earth is trying to compensate for increased temperatures by cooling down. Tell him not to go near Penobscott, Maine if he wants to do a music video there in July. Oh, and tell Gore this climate change will cause chocolate to melt on a worldwide basis.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Chocolate
Even dark chocolate?

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Chocolate
ESPECIALLY dark chocolate.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Gore
He’s not going to like that. He loves Godiva.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Gore
Yeah, well tell him to fill his freezer now. He’s going to be stuck eating stale Twinkies once this hits.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Change
Do you think the public might get wise and figure out that ‘climate change’ is just a fancy word for ‘weather’.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Change
They still haven’t figured out that hummus is people.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: Jorge Redenko Subject: Hummus
Just our little secret.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Hummus
Right.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Facebook
Hey, I’ve started the Pepe the Polar Bear site on Facebook. He’s going to describe, day-by-day, how he’s losing his habitat to climate change and how he can’t find any seals to eat anymore. We’ll have some photos of him looking pathetic scrounging through the garbage cans of Nome.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Facebook
Great! And make sure he’s got plenty of melted chocolate dripping down his muzzle.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Facebook
Gotcha.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
We’ve just found Viennese weather records dating back to 1702 which show a normal cooling/heating cycle in the earth’s temperatures from then to now.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
Destroy the records.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
My shredder’s out.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
Well go down to Office Max and get one. What are you waiting for?

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
I have to get a purchase voucher. They’re already suspicious over my White-Out purchases. My lab looks like a lake of homogenized milk.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
Stop whining and get to work on this. Burn down your lab if you have to. That always works in a pinch.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
That’ll look suspicious.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
Jack Tedd’s burned his lab down six times. He blames Exxon whenever they start snooping around.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
I used Exxon to blame for the temperature readings I was getting in Florida.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
What would we do without Exxon.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Trees
Since trees are repositories for huge amounts of CO2, what we need is a large government project to send lumber to the sun where it will be destroyed harmlessly away from the planet.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Trees
Couldn’t we just use the moon?

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Trees
No. The moon would only become heavier and, centuries from now, crash into the earth. The moon-hitting-the-earth crisis will have to be left for a future generation of climate scientists. Right now, we have to focus our energy on saving planet Earth.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Unbelievers
A lot of people don’t believe that we’re the cause of global warming.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Unbelievers
Agree with them to a point. Tell them that global warming began with the extinction of the dinosaurs. Since their rotting carcasses soon turned to oil, which was then processed into gasoline, dinosaurs ushered in the hydrocarbon economy we’re mired in.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Dinosaurs
I see. If the dinosaurs hadn’t died out, this would be a peaceful, ecologically-perfect planet.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Dinosaurs
Exactly. We can compare this to the coelocanth, the oiliest fish in the sea. They’re still around and nobody’s running their SUV on them.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
I’m trying to write a climate model that shows how CO2 from fireplaces cause localized bird extinctions. But I can’t account for all those pigeons on telephone wires everywhere. Damned pigeons.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
Add a numeric constant that includes European starlings.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
Cool. This will allow us to predict crop failures and droughts everywhere, too.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
But the pigeons…

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
Call them doves.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
Brilliant.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Spokeswoman
Do you think we can get Lady Gaga into the Climate Change camp?

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Spokeswoman
She’s never said much about environmental issues. Why do you ask?

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Spokeswoman
I like her music and she’s got dynamite gams.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Spokeswoman
We’ll work on that.

———————–

Editor’s Note: For “satire-challenged” readers, these are not actual emails.

As Democrats work well into cold Washington evenings trying to hammer out a socialized medicine plan they can ram down America’s throat, they have been stymied in this over agreement on a Public Option – a government-run health plan competing with private insurance plans. While this controversial item has them bickering openly at times, there are five other options that could easily make any new medical plan palatable to not only themselves but to the American people, as well. They are, in no particular order:

The Billy Mays Option – Named after the TV pitchman who recently passed away after trying to self-medicate himself with cocaine, this option would help us all by allowing us to purchase, at public expense, the many miracle cures seen on late night television. Erectile function, obesity, acne would become things of the medical past if we could legitimately get our hands on the magical pills, powders, creams, and orthopedic devices offered in the wee hours of morning. And, since these would make us all so virile and healthy, I think we’d be more than happy to pay the shipping and handling charges ourselves.

The Veterinarian Option – Dogs and cats are barely a rung below us on the evolutionary ladder and that’s why we should be allowed to see the veterinarian of our choice for affordable, quality health care. Given to working with patients who can’t speak, veterinarians will literally be in hog heaven when they can get an answer to that age-old medical question: “Where does it hurt?” Plus, you can expect a tasty treat every time you get weighed.

The Family-Member-Who’s-Really-Handy-With-Tools Option – We cut each others hair, we do communal laundry, we even make lunch time cheese sandwiches for the family on occasion. So why not let the geeky, bright one of the family earn a little extra cash and keep the family in tip top shape by doing a bit of sideline medical treatments. Broken arms could be set, gashes could be bandaged, rashes could be treated, even minor surgery could be performed to relieve the awful pain of bunions and hemorrhoids if only Junior could get his hands on real medical equipment. You know he’s just itching to try it.

The Auto Mechanic Option – If your car doctor can be trusted to replace an engine, why shouldn’t we extend him the same faith in swapping out a heart, kidney, or hip. Draining knees, aligning curved spines, even repairing that pacemaker that conked out at the company picnic, you can expect excellent care between 8 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. And now, for the first time since the days of Hippocrates, we can expect a 90-day guarantee on all work performed. Sweet.

Finally, we could go far to resolve the differences between Americans on the issue of health care if we had a

The Twin Option – Comprised of a Leave-Me-The-Hell-Alone Option and a For-Democrats-Only Option, the former would satisfy the independent nature of conservatives and the latter would provide liberals with the health care plan they truly deserve. And in the end, isn’t that what it’s all about, getting along with one another, running together side by side in peace and harmony until our Democrat friends die of mange? Kumbaya, baby!

Options, options, options. Let’s start thinking outside the I.C. unit and give new proposals a chance.

The clip is below. Obama gets hammered on bailouts, cash for clunkers, and “spending money to make money”. In this clip it is the Chinese that are getting it “good and hard” as H.L. Mencken once said regarding the common people within a democracy. I hope we see more of this from SNL.

This was submitted to us by author, Clyde James Aragon. He writes:

THE HEALTH REFORM PLAN TOWN HALL MEETING – THE NON-MUSICAL is a ten-minute comedy play about the health care ‘reform’ bill and is a humorous way of looking at a very scary situation. Curious, but informed citizens, meet at a town hall meeting to ask questions of their representatives on Health Care Reform.

This play is being distributed free of charge and the author, Clyde James Aragon, only asks that should it be performed, no admission be charged and that the author be given credit as having written it.

The author is an Albuquerque, New Mexico humor writer.

You may also download the PDF here for printing out and potentially performing it at your next Tea Party event.

————————————————————-
THE HEALTH REFORM PLAN TOWN HALL MEETING
- THE NON-MUSICAL -

a one-act play by © Clyde James Aragon

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN
REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER
CITIZEN #1
CITIZEN #2
CITIZEN #3
CITIZEN #4

COMEDY: 10 pages. 6 characters to be played by: 3 men; 3 woman.

SYNOPSIS: Curious, but informed citizens, meet at a town hall meeting to ask questions of their representatives on Health Care Reform. This is a ten-minute comedy play about the health care ‘reform’ bill and is a humorous way of looking at a very scary situation.

PROPS: 6 folding chairs

* * * This play is being distributed free of charge and the author, Clyde James Aragon, only asks that should it be performed, no admission be charged and that the author be given credit as having written it. * * *

**************

THE HEALTH REFORM PLAN TOWN HALL MEETING
- THE NON-MUSICAL -

a one-act play by Clyde James Aragon

(on a bare stage, two politicians, seated in folding chairs, face four citizens intent on asking the politicians questions on their health reform plan)

CITIZEN #4 (addressing the audience and then sitting down): The other day there was a town hall meeting in Montana over the new health reform bill which was presented by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and passed by the House of Representatives. The public was invited and allowed to ask questions of the two members of the House of Representatives, Representative Bullhorn and Flowmaster, who showed up. Many things were said and, after adjourning quietly after three hours of questioning, these excerpts were extracted from the minutes of that meeting:

CITIZEN #1 (raising hand and then speaking): Representative Bullhorn, the new House health care plan is almost 2,000-pages long. How do you expect anyone to read it, let alone understand it?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: We, meaning your government, are teaming up with the Marvel Comics people to develop a comic book character called Health Reform Man who will explain, in simple laymen terms, what our health reform proposal is all about.

CITIZEN #2: Will Cleopatra, Queen of the Vampire Underworld, feature in this?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Yes, and after explaining what our plan is about, she, Health Reform Man, and the A.C.O.R.N. Posse will go out and fight the various nemeses of our plan such as Greedy Insurance Monster, Private Fee-For-Service Doctor Thing, Alarmist Talk Show Host Ogre, and, of course, everyone in the Republican Party with the exception of moderate Republicans who want to hitch their star to a winner.

CITIZEN #1: Won’t a comic book be considered propaganda?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: No. What people are saying against this plan is propaganda. Our comic book is info-entertainment. And it will be distributed free of cost through the mail, at welfare offices, and in hospital waiting rooms everywhere. Right, Representative Bullhorn?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: We want everyone in America to have health care and the only way to accomplish that goal is for government to provide it.

CITIZEN #1: This is just socialized medicine.

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: What else would you expect? We’re social creatures. We socialize. We’re sociable. We go to ice cream socials, we join the PTA, we volunteer to wash cars on the weekend. Could we give to the social people of this country anything less than a plan which doesn’t take into account their inbred social nature? I daresay not.

CITIZEN #1: But you’re taking away choice.

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: No we’re not. There’s so much choice in our plan you can’t help but want it. Especially if you’re sociable. However, if you’re anti-social you’ll be able to pay a small annual fee and opt out, leaving yourself to find your own health care in backroom alleys, parking lots, through self-help books, and on the Internet.

CITIZEN #3: Why should we pay any fee?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Actually, this isn’t really a fee. It is a yearly reminder that a better way of life is available through your government.

CITIZEN #4: Won’t illegal aliens be covered?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: No. Absolutely not.

CITIZEN #1: But all you’d need would be a few court rulings and they’d be in.

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: That’ll never happen.

CITIZEN #2: What about space aliens. Would they be covered?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: Of course space aliens won’t be covered. That would break the system.

CITIZEN #2: Since we’re on the subject, will this health plan cover space-related diseases.
REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Like what?

CITIZEN #2: Euphoria, for example.

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: SRDs won’t be covered.
(Representative Flowmaster whispers into Bullhorn’s ear)
Uh, wait. An amendment has been introduced covering space-related diseases but only as brought to earth by NASA space missions.
(Representative Flowmaster again whispers into Bullhorn’s ear)
Uh, an amendment to the amendment has been introduced which covers all space-related diseases.

CITIZEN #1: Your plan calls for end-of-life counseling. Is euthanasia covered by this plan?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Absolutely not.

CITIZEN #4: Isn’t abortion a form of euthanasia? That’s going to be covered.

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: Abortion is the removal of a troublesome human-like blob of protoplasm that, for all intents and purposes, is not human. Except in Hawaii where it’s considered a type of chicken nugget.

CITIZEN #2: I love chicken nuggets. Will free chicken nuggets come with this plan?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: Yes, along with the special sauce of your choice.

CITIZEN #1: Poll after poll says Americans don’t want this plan. Yet you seem intent on forcing this down our throat – the public be damned. Isn’t the Democrat Party returning us to the days of Taxation without Representation?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: The Democrat Party always represents the people, some more than others.

CITIZEN #3: Didn’t Taxation without Representation lead to the American Revolution?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Americans, at that time, were protesting the lack of government involvement in their lives. We shall fulfill that nascent yearning.

CITIZEN #2: In the song “Heartache Tonight” by The Eagles, they sing: “There’s gonna be a heartache tonight/A heartache tonight, I know/There’s gonna be a heartache tonight/A heartache tonight, I know”. Does this refer to a real heartache or an existential heartache and would break-ups be covered by this plan?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: We believe The Eagles referred to an ontological heartache which, most definitely, would be covered. The pain of breaking up can’t be ignored as it was in the previous administration which, as we all know, wanted to kill everyone and eat their dripping internal organs.

CITIZEN #4: You say the plan would only cost 900 billion dollars. How do you know that for sure?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Because we’re your representatives. We would never lie to you. The only ones who would lie are Republicans and conservatives who lie about everything.

CITIZEN #1: You’re saying this plan will cost about 900 billion dollars. Isn’t that just an introductory price?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: No, it really, truly, cross my heart is what it will cost.

CITIZEN #3: Still, how do you expect to pay for this?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: We’re proposing, among other things, a millionaire tax. I think the greedy, filthy rich should have to pay back the money they’ve stolen from this country.

CITIZEN #1; All you talk about is taxing the rich. You believe they’re just going to willingly go along with your plan and turn their money over to you?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Yes.

CITIZEN #1: So you’re assuming the rich are stupid, then?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Oh, believe me, the rich are very stupid.

CITIZEN #3: Aren’t you a millionaire yourself?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Honestly, I’ve been working so hard ever since I came to Washington I haven’t had a chance to look at my bank statement. Nevertheless, if I’m a millionaire, and I’m not saying I am, but if I might possibly be a millionaire, I’ll be subject to this new tax after taking into account congressional expenses, refunds, postage, envelopes, and all the time I donate to worthy causes.

CITIZEN #4: What worthy causes?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Puppies. I lead the House caucus on puppy welfare. Damn it, no one’s going to mistreat puppies in this country if I have anything to say about it.

CITIZEN #2: That’s wonderful. I have a puppy. Her name is Sheila.

CITIZEN #3: What are the other ways you propose to pay for this?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: We’re going to introduce a tax on all medical devices such as monitors, x-ray machines, pacemakers, things like that.

CITIZEN #2: Do Band-Aid brand bandages constitute a medical device?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: If applied properly.

CITIZEN #4: What else?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: Lipstick.

CITIZEN #3: Lipstick?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: It adds moisturizing substances which keep your lips from drying up. Thus, it is a moisture dispenser.

CITIZEN #2: Would a Slurpee machine also be considered a moisture dispenser?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: Don’t be silly. Slurpee machines are ‘calorie’ dispensers. They would be subject to a fine, not a tax.

CITIZEN #1: I’ve heard you’re going to cut payments to doctors.

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Damn right. It’s high time our nation’s greedy physicians start paying us back for their lavish lifestyles. Big cars, big houses, big meals. Let ‘em eat bologne like the rest of us.

CITIZEN #2: You’ve eaten bologne?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Once. And I loved it.

CITIZEN #3: Won’t that just chase off doctors?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Look, my friend, these greedy doctors have to be taught a lesson. We’re going to really stick it to them for gouging us for so long.

CITIZEN #3: You don’t expect to have surgery anytime soon, I take it.

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Hell no. I’m fit as a fiddle.

CITIZEN #4: Would you politicians be subject to this new health plan?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: Unfortunately, no. We tried to find a way to add ourselves to this marvelous health care plan but it only would have increased the cost and we put our foot down at having to increase it even one dime more.

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: To that end, we also have some very exciting cost-cutting proposals. And we know everyone in this room wants the government to save money.

CITIZEN #1: I’ll bite. What kind of cost-cutting proposals?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: These are brilliant. I even came up with a few. For example, instead of hip or knee replacement we’ll offer crutches; instead of physical exams and X-rays, we’ll offer a soothing walk through any airport security screening machine as a substitute; and we’ve known for quite some time that most brain surgeries can be avoided with aspirin.

CITIZEN #3: What’s next, replacing heart transplants with obituaries?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Ooh, that’s good. I’ll submit that one the minute I get back to Washington. You’ve got the spirit.

CITIZEN #4: If the government wants to take over the medical system of this country, why not every other business in America?

CITIZEN #1: Yeah. I’m sure you’ll give us the customer care of the Post Office, the repair record of the Park Service, and the efficiency of Amtrak. Oh, and I’m sure you’ll continue to take our money like the IRS.

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: Believe me, we’re working on it.

CITIZEN #3: Your plan demands that employers provide health insurance or else. Wouldn’t companies just stop hiring new workers and giving raises?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: Nonsense. Of course companies will hire new workers. If not, we’ll mandate they increase employment every year. That alone will end unemployment forever in this country.

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: And as for you not getting a raise, well, what poppycock. You’re worth a raise. I’m worth a raise. In fact, I get a raise every year.

CITIZEN #1: Many people have said this plan is too expensive, takes away from our freedoms, and allows the government the opportunity to take over a sixth of the economy. They say the same goals can be accomplished in other, less expensive and less intrusive, ways. Why aren’t these avenues being pursued?

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN: We can’t be chasing after rainbows all our lives. Obviously these ‘other people’ you speak of live in an insulated fantasy world.

CITIZEN #3: But isn’t chasing this crazy expensive plan a lot like watching the captain of the Titanic trying to keep the ice machine going as his ship slips into the cold water?

REPRESENTATIVE FLOWMASTER: We’ve seen the numbers, the data, the costs. We know what we’re talking about. (getting up) Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to get back to Washington.

REPRESENTATIVE BULLHORN (also getting up): We have an important vote on puppy health care coming up early tomorrow morning. We can’t miss that.

- end of play -

I apologize to the wonderful Free State Project for bastardizing their efforts with such a suggestion, but I am quite serious. Instead of putting energy into calling the Obama administration socialists why not abandon the petty, kindergarten-style, partisan bickering and look within? Come up with a new 1994-style “Contract With America” but this time don’t renege on the contract. It should not be called anything similar to “Contract With America” though. Yes, that bad taste is still lingering.

Dubbing it “The Free Country Project” and making more than a half-assed effort to bring libertarianism back into the GOP could be a winning formula. Of course, many will have to tuck their neo-con tails between their legs and embrace Ron Paul and his libertarian friends. I’m not talking about a macho homophobic half-hearted embrace here. I’m talking about a full-on bear hug that will make gawkers worry about dropping the soap in the GOP country club shower.

The principles that should go in The Free Country Project are quite simple to find. In fact those principles were codified into a rulebook that every lawmaker must take an oath to uphold. Yet once most of them set foot on DC soil they begin thinking, “What oath?”

The Free Country Project should be a promise to restore the Constitution as the “supreme law of the land.” If that promise is made and the GOP begins behaving like grown-ups again the sky is the limit. It may take a long time to touch the clouds again, but at least there will be an upward trajectory.

So here are my humble recommendations for successfully restoring the GOP, the five guiding principles of  The Free Country Project:

1. Promise to follow the Constitution and do so.
2. Behave like grown-ups.
3. Watch what Lindsey Graham does and do the opposite.
4. Listen to what Lindsey Graham says and say the opposite.
5. Fear the soap.

Do all of this and the GOP may be able to declare the Obama honeymoon over right before socialized medicine starts killing off old people to ease the Social Security burden.

NOTE: Another name considered was “The 9-13 Project”. If I can steal from real libertarians (Free State Project) then I can certainly steal from pseudo-libertarians like Glenn Beck (9-12 Project). If Glenn Beck and I were contestants on the Price Is Right I would amuse myself silly by bidding one dollar more than him every time. And Beck being Beck, it wouldn’t shock me if he ended up crying about it on the air.