Liberty Maven

by Clyde James Aragon

In November 2009, computer hackers broke into the computer of the Climate Research Unit in England revealing the shady behavior of climate scientists there, some of whom have been literally making up data to support the climate change/global warming hysteria that is gripping the planet these days.

Well, the hackers have done it again.

They have now hacked into the computer network of the Institute for Cold and Hot Study in Burbank, California. Currently circulating around the Internet are the following smoking gun round robin e-mail exchanges between lead scientist Dr. Emmanuel Bogstock and his climate scientist underlings Daniel Dankel of Morbo University, Aspiro Mafioso of the Swedish Weather and Personality Clinic, and Jorge Redenko of Smogstack, L.L.C. in Upper Volta which reveal how sinister the global climate conspiracy really is:

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Change
How do we get the ball rolling on this climate thing? My university underwriters want to see me working harder on this.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Change
Get that U2 guy, Bono, to write a song about it. Then DiCaprio will bring his Hollywood people in on it. And Gore will string it all together when he talks about it at a conference somewhere. That should get them off your back.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bono
Bono’s turning sceptic. His tour bus got stuck in a snow bank in Fargo, South Dakota a few days ago. I hear he’s starting to have his doubts.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bono
He bought the one that solar flares cause heat rash.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bono
Tell Bono snow is a by-product of global warming because the earth is trying to compensate for increased temperatures by cooling down. Tell him not to go near Penobscott, Maine if he wants to do a music video there in July. Oh, and tell Gore this climate change will cause chocolate to melt on a worldwide basis.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Chocolate
Even dark chocolate?

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Chocolate
ESPECIALLY dark chocolate.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Gore
He’s not going to like that. He loves Godiva.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Gore
Yeah, well tell him to fill his freezer now. He’s going to be stuck eating stale Twinkies once this hits.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Change
Do you think the public might get wise and figure out that ‘climate change’ is just a fancy word for ‘weather’.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Change
They still haven’t figured out that hummus is people.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: Jorge Redenko Subject: Hummus
Just our little secret.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Hummus
Right.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Facebook
Hey, I’ve started the Pepe the Polar Bear site on Facebook. He’s going to describe, day-by-day, how he’s losing his habitat to climate change and how he can’t find any seals to eat anymore. We’ll have some photos of him looking pathetic scrounging through the garbage cans of Nome.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Facebook
Great! And make sure he’s got plenty of melted chocolate dripping down his muzzle.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Facebook
Gotcha.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
We’ve just found Viennese weather records dating back to 1702 which show a normal cooling/heating cycle in the earth’s temperatures from then to now.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
Destroy the records.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
My shredder’s out.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
Well go down to Office Max and get one. What are you waiting for?

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
I have to get a purchase voucher. They’re already suspicious over my White-Out purchases. My lab looks like a lake of homogenized milk.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
Stop whining and get to work on this. Burn down your lab if you have to. That always works in a pinch.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
That’ll look suspicious.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
Jack Tedd’s burned his lab down six times. He blames Exxon whenever they start snooping around.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
I used Exxon to blame for the temperature readings I was getting in Florida.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: New Data
What would we do without Exxon.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Trees
Since trees are repositories for huge amounts of CO2, what we need is a large government project to send lumber to the sun where it will be destroyed harmlessly away from the planet.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Trees
Couldn’t we just use the moon?

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Trees
No. The moon would only become heavier and, centuries from now, crash into the earth. The moon-hitting-the-earth crisis will have to be left for a future generation of climate scientists. Right now, we have to focus our energy on saving planet Earth.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Unbelievers
A lot of people don’t believe that we’re the cause of global warming.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Unbelievers
Agree with them to a point. Tell them that global warming began with the extinction of the dinosaurs. Since their rotting carcasses soon turned to oil, which was then processed into gasoline, dinosaurs ushered in the hydrocarbon economy we’re mired in.

From: jorge@smogstack.org To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Dinosaurs
I see. If the dinosaurs hadn’t died out, this would be a peaceful, ecologically-perfect planet.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Dinosaurs
Exactly. We can compare this to the coelocanth, the oiliest fish in the sea. They’re still around and nobody’s running their SUV on them.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
I’m trying to write a climate model that shows how CO2 from fireplaces cause localized bird extinctions. But I can’t account for all those pigeons on telephone wires everywhere. Damned pigeons.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
Add a numeric constant that includes European starlings.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
Cool. This will allow us to predict crop failures and droughts everywhere, too.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
But the pigeons…

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
Call them doves.

From: d.dankel@morbouniversity.edu To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Bird Problem
Brilliant.

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Spokeswoman
Do you think we can get Lady Gaga into the Climate Change camp?

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Spokeswoman
She’s never said much about environmental issues. Why do you ask?

From: flashman@climagone.net To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Spokeswoman
I like her music and she’s got dynamite gams.

From: bogstock@icyhot.gov To: E.B., D.D., A.M., J.R. Subject: Climate Spokeswoman
We’ll work on that.

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Editor’s Note: For “satire-challenged” readers, these are not actual emails.