Liberty Maven

By Clyde James Aragon

As Democrats work well into cold Washington evenings trying to hammer out a socialized medicine plan they can ram down America’s throat, they have been stymied in this over agreement on a Public Option – a government-run health plan competing with private insurance plans. While this controversial item has them bickering openly at times, there are five other options that could easily make any new medical plan palatable to not only themselves but to the American people, as well. They are, in no particular order:

The Billy Mays Option – Named after the TV pitchman who recently passed away after trying to self-medicate himself with cocaine, this option would help us all by allowing us to purchase, at public expense, the many miracle cures seen on late night television. Erectile function, obesity, acne would become things of the medical past if we could legitimately get our hands on the magical pills, powders, creams, and orthopedic devices offered in the wee hours of morning. And, since these would make us all so virile and healthy, I think we’d be more than happy to pay the shipping and handling charges ourselves.

The Veterinarian Option – Dogs and cats are barely a rung below us on the evolutionary ladder and that’s why we should be allowed to see the veterinarian of our choice for affordable, quality health care. Given to working with patients who can’t speak, veterinarians will literally be in hog heaven when they can get an answer to that age-old medical question: “Where does it hurt?” Plus, you can expect a tasty treat every time you get weighed.

The Family-Member-Who’s-Really-Handy-With-Tools Option – We cut each others hair, we do communal laundry, we even make lunch time cheese sandwiches for the family on occasion. So why not let the geeky, bright one of the family earn a little extra cash and keep the family in tip top shape by doing a bit of sideline medical treatments. Broken arms could be set, gashes could be bandaged, rashes could be treated, even minor surgery could be performed to relieve the awful pain of bunions and hemorrhoids if only Junior could get his hands on real medical equipment. You know he’s just itching to try it.

The Auto Mechanic Option – If your car doctor can be trusted to replace an engine, why shouldn’t we extend him the same faith in swapping out a heart, kidney, or hip. Draining knees, aligning curved spines, even repairing that pacemaker that conked out at the company picnic, you can expect excellent care between 8 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. And now, for the first time since the days of Hippocrates, we can expect a 90-day guarantee on all work performed. Sweet.

Finally, we could go far to resolve the differences between Americans on the issue of health care if we had a

The Twin Option – Comprised of a Leave-Me-The-Hell-Alone Option and a For-Democrats-Only Option, the former would satisfy the independent nature of conservatives and the latter would provide liberals with the health care plan they truly deserve. And in the end, isn’t that what it’s all about, getting along with one another, running together side by side in peace and harmony until our Democrat friends die of mange? Kumbaya, baby!

Options, options, options. Let’s start thinking outside the I.C. unit and give new proposals a chance.